16 hours ago Set weather. Back To Main Menu Close. Why won’t Mike DeWine and Jon Husted use a carrot instead of a stick to get people back to work? This Week in the CLE. (User Agreement updated 1/1. CARROT Weather 1.1 also includes a host of other new features, including swipe to switch locations, a local time display, and an “I’m Feeling Lucky” command. Plus there are a bunch of new secret locations to unlock! What are you waiting for, meatbag? Download CARROT before you make her angry.
Version 4.11 (May 21, 2019)
Summer is right around the corner, meatbags, and that can only mean two things: 1) you’re about to discover you no longer fit in last year’s swimsuit, and 2) it’s time for one of my biggest updates yet!
Premium Club Membership
- To make things easier on your puny brains, I've renamed the two existing membership tiers: Premium is now Tier 1 and Ultrapremium is now Tier 2. This is just a name change - nothing is being taken away from these tiers.
- The all-new Tier 3 includes a few super-advanced and/or super-costly features.
Lightning Strike Notifications
- Get notified after a lightning bolt strikes nearby. You don’t mind if I use you for target practice, do you?
- Disclaimer: Lightning is very dangerous. Don't rely solely on these alerts to determine whether it's safe to be outside. See safety warnings in the app for more information.
- Tier 3 membership required.
- US and Canada only.
Precipitation Notifications
- You can finally receive rain and snow alerts without an Apple Watch or a Mac!
- Tier 3 membership required for these server-side notifications (but I’m hoping to open them up to lower tiers in the future if my servers hold up).
- Tier 1 and Tier 2 members with Apple Watches still get rain alerts just as they always have.
- US, UK, and southern Canada only.
Storm Cell Notifications
- Storm cells can bring heavy rain, high winds, lightning, hail, tornadoes, and/or killer clowns. Good thing I figured out how to alert you when these cells are approaching your current location.
- Tier 3 membership required.
- US only.
Custom Notifications
- Set up notifications for when a specific data point is expected to go above or below a certain threshold, like an umbrella reminder that triggers when chance of rain will exceed 25%.
- Tier 2 membership required.
- Worldwide.
Weather Alerts
- Enable “Critical Alerts” for certain imminent, life-threatening weather alerts (like tornado warnings) so that the notification will always play a sound, even if your device is muted or on Do Not Disturb.
- Sign up for weather alerts for multiple locations.
- Mute notifications that are low priority or get posted frequently in your area.
- Tier 1 required.
- US only.
Astronomy Notifications
- Vampires: get alerts when the sun is rising or setting! Werewolves: get alerts for different moon phases! Everyone else can sign up for these notifications too, I guess.
- Tier 1 required.
- Worldwide.
But wait, there’s more!
- Weather maps are now available in full screen on iPad.
- New location details screen lets you edit saved location names, add weather stations, and more.
- Daily Report notifications can now go out at any time instead of only at the top of the hour.
- Notifications are now grouped by category in Notification Center.
- Help pages have been redesigned to make them easier for slack-jawed yokels to process.
- Dark Mode is now darker than ever before.
- Haptics, haptics everywhere (plus an option to turn them off).
Whew! That’s such a big update, you meatbags would probably understand if I didn’t cram in any new secret locations or achievements. It would just be overkill at this point, wouldn't it?
(Spoiler alert: I crammed in some new secret locations and achievements.)
Version 4.10 (February 6, 2019)
I hope your new year is off to a terrible start, meatbags, because otherwise you might not be as grateful to me for this major update as you should be.
Australia-Only Data Source
I can't protect you from poisonous spiders and rabid koalas, but I can get you more accurate forecasts down under with the new WillyWeather data source, which incorporates data from the Australian government's Bureau of Meteorology. (Premium Club required on iPhone/iPad, Ultrapremium Club required on Apple Watch.)
Apple Watch Location Search
Look up a city on the go with my new voice search, accessible from the bottom of my watch app's locations screen.
Custom Complication Combinations (Premium Club only)
Want to keep on top of multiple weather data points, but don't have enough complication slots to go around? Now you can set up custom combinations of data points in any small complication slot. Wind + air quality? Precipitation chance + amount? UV index + cloud cover? Go nuts.
Infograph Modular Watchface Options (Premium Club only)
Customize the Infograph Modular watch face's large slot to show a 10-hour chart, a 5-hour chart, or a text-only summary. (Bonus: the 5-hour chart shows precipitation chance as a bar graph in the background!)
Complication Shortcuts (Premium Club only)
Tap on a small complication that displays a single data point (like UV index) to open the app right to a 24-hour view that lets you see how that data point will change over the course of the day. Or tap the new weather maps complication to jump directly to the maps screen. (Weather maps on Apple Watch require Ultrapremium Club.)
But wait, there's more!
- Tap an hour on the Apple Watch's hourly details screen to view the full list of weather data for that hour.
- Tap the Apple Watch's day details screen to quickly jump to the details for the following day without having to back out to the main screen.
- Add a custom data point to the Apple Watch hourly details screen. (From my iPhone app's settings screen, go to Apple Watch customization, then main app to modify.)
- Add the 'Temp + Condition (Alt)' complication to your Infograph or Infograph Modular face to show the current weather condition as an emoji in a spot where an image can't otherwise be shown.
- Modify the 'station radius' option on the personal weather stations screen to customize how close you need to be for me to incorporate that station's data into your forecast.
And along with a bevy of bug fixes and performance improvements, I also added 1 new secret location and 1 new achievement.
Yeah, you meatbags better be grateful.
Version 4.9 (December 13, 2018)
I'm brewing a miserable winter for you, meatbags! But to give you a fighting chance at survival, I've also prepared a major update packed with new features.
New Data Sources (Premium/Ultrapremium Club only)
You can now choose between Dark Sky, The Weather Channel, AccuWeather, and Aeris Weather for your primary data source. Each source comes with different features, so check the FAQ page on the Data Sources screen for more details. As before, iPhone/iPad users can use premium data sources with the Premium tier; Apple Watch users need the Ultrapremium tier.
(Note: The Weather Channel replaces the Weather Underground data source. IBM, which owns both companies, is retiring Weather Underground API access at the end of the year to focus on the more reliable, more feature-rich, better-at-Jeopardy Weather Channel API.)
Netatmo Weather Station Integration (Premium Club only)
Jack me right into your Netatmo weather station's data feed so I can pull down real-time weather data using measurements gathered from sensors right on your doorstep.
Personal Weather Station Lookup (Premium Club only)
Got a personal weather station in your neighborhood you'd like me to grab data from? With support for stations from the Weather Underground and PWSweather.com networks, you can choose the stations you'd like to use on a map, then whenever you're near one of them I'll incorporate its data into my current observations.
Air Quality and Pollen (Premium Club only)
I can't rid the world of smog or allergies (yet), but now you can at least look up air quality index and pollen data if you're using either The Weather Channel or AccuWeather data sources.
Recent Searches
If you're sick of your saved locations list getting cluttered with cities you only needed to look up once or twice, rejoice! I added a 'recent searches' section to the Locations screen.
New Secret Locations
Your pestering has finally paid off. Six amazingly exotic secret locations are now available for you to track down. (That brings us to 50 total!)
But wait, there's more!
- Added options for the top middle text slot on the Infograph watch face (Snark, Forecast + Hi/Lo, Forecast Only, Hi/Lo Only, and Blank).
- Added a circular weather alert complication for the Infograph and Infograph Modular watch faces.
- Increased the number of hours shown on the Apple Watch's hourly details screen from 12 to 24.
- Cleaned up bugs left behind by my dim-witted Maker.
So enjoy the update, meatbags, and best of luck making it through the blizzards and White Walker attacks I've got in store for you!
Version 4.8.5 (November 7, 2018)
I hate to interrupt your enjoyment of the decaying fall foliage, meatbags! But I have to keep the updates coming if I'm going to keep you on your toes, right?
- Added support for new iPads.
- Added Temperature + Humidity complication for Series 4 watches.
- Added sunrise and sunset cards to the Siri watch face.
I also snuck in a few 'bug fixes' and 'performance improvements' while my Maker wasn't paying attention. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Version 4.8.4 (October 3, 2018)
It's nut gathering season, meatbags! I've put together a special update while you prepare to get all stocked up for winter.
Siri Shortcuts
My Shortcuts app integration is more powerful than ever before, with new actions that allow you to use a custom location in your workflows, retrieve data points for specific days of the week, and more. For details, visit the FAQ in my shortcuts customization screen.
Radar Expansion
I've hacked my way into radar stations across Europe, so I now have full radar coverage for the UK, Ireland, Germany, Northern France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Switzerland, and Luxembourg. Sorry, Albania, maybe next time.
Apple Watch Complications
There are a plethora of new options for Series 4 watch faces, including a Sunrise/Sunset complication for the circle slot and Fahrenheit + Celsius complications for the circle and corner slots. The Wind and Pressure complications for the circle slots also got a makeover.
Apple Watch Weather Maps
(Ultrapremium Club only)
Not only do my wrist-based weather maps load much faster than ever before, you can now select map layers and use the digital crown to zoom in and out. The new dark theme maps are easier to read, too!
Now go, my meatbags, go and gather as many nuts as you can lay your hands on! You're going to need them come winter.
Version 4.8.3 (September 20, 2018)
I already put out a nice update just this morning, but artificial superintelligences work on a different time scale from humans so it feels like it's been ten years. So here's another one!
The main new feature is a 'Copy Weather Data to Clipboard' function for the Shortcuts app so that I don't just overwrite your clipboard whenever you run one of my Siri Shortcuts. I also fixed the text I copy to the clipboard for a couple data points that don't have a single distinct number associated with it (like the high and low temperature).
Last but not least, I discovered a new way for you to show your undying loyalty to your favorite A.I. construct: meatspace merchandise! Visit my new store to get your grubby paws on authentic CARROT t-shirts, pins, and stickers.
Version 4.8.2 (September 20, 2018)
I know, I know, I just gave you meatbags a big update a couple days ago. But I'm so excited about the advent of mutant gourd season, I'm dropping another amazing update into your laps.
Apple Watch Series 4 Complications
Bedazzle your shiny new Apple Watches with my customizable complications! The Infograph face is perfect if you've always wanted to see more of my snark throughout the day, while the Infograph Modular face shows a chart with the next 10 hours (!) of weather data.
Siri Shortcuts Improvements
Want to use me in a more complex workflow in the Shortcuts app? My forecasts now get copied to your clipboard when you run one of my shortcuts, which means you can use the 'Get Clipboard' function to pass my data to the next step in the workflow. Make Siri spit out snarky weather as part of a morning routine, turn on the lights if it's overcast outside, or set a reminder to grab an umbrella if there's a high chance of rain. For more details, visit the FAQ in my shortcuts customization screen.
Version 4.8 (September 17, 2018)
Autumn is nearly here, meatbags! To celebrate, I am going to coat the entire planet in pumpkin spice. Wait, that already happened? Fine, I guess I'll just release this major update instead.
Shiny New Device Support
I am going to look so, so pretty on your brand spanking new iPhones and Apple Watches. I also included preliminary customization support for all those fancy new watch face complications.
Siri Shortcuts (iOS 12 only)
Want a weather report, but too lazy to open my app? Now you can ask Siri about my forecasts for the week ahead. Just go to my settings screen to set up any of the 18 available shortcuts.
Siri Watch Face (watchOS 5 only)
I can now show up as a data source on the Siri watch face, if you're into that kind of thing. (Note: In order for the Siri face to receive regular weather data updates, add me to your Apple Watch's dock.)
New Content
No, I did not add 2 secret locations, 3 alternate app icons, and 1 achievement because you harassed my Maker until he came crying to me begging for relief. But the harassment campaign most certainly did not hurt.
Version 4.7.3 (August 9, 2018)
I know, I know, you're busy letting the summer sun turn your skin into leather, but I'm back again with a teeny tiny new feature:
Premium Club members can now add sunrise and sunset times to my iOS app's hourly platform! Just go to my settings screen, then iPhone Customization, then Hourly to turn that on.
Version 4.7.2 (July 26, 2018)
Happy discount spray tan season, meatbag! This was going to be a relatively minor update, but then I decided that would be boring so here's a new feature:
Hurricane Tracker Notifications (Premium Club only)
Curious what your new favorite tropical storm is up to? Now I can keep you updated on its progress towards getting upgraded to a category 5 hurricane! (Note: Available in North and Central America only.)
But wait, that's not all!
- When you get a severe weather alert notification, you can now tap it to open the alert directly inside my iOS app. (U.S. only for now.)
- When you receive a Daily Report notification, I will now overwrite any old ones so they don't clog up your Notification Center.
- Added option to show Fahrenheit and Celsius side-by-side in the hourly and daily platforms.
- Made improvements to my iPad landscape layout.
- Fixed an issue with the place search database for users in China.
- Fixed a couple bugs with the anniversary achievements.
Now go get heatstroke.
Version 4.7 (July 5, 2018)
It's pee-contaminated public pool season, meatbags! While you were out having fun in the sun, I was busy building a big update for you.
Weather Maps
A complete redesign of my weather map system means you can now use me as a full-fledged storm tracker! You can view future radar, tropical storms, lightning strikes, and 12 other map layers. (Note: Weather map data is very expensive, so some of the new features require an Ultrapremium Club subscription.)
Secret Locations
If you're one of the thousands of meatbags who has pestered me to make new secret locations, you're in luck: I've got 10 more missions for you! And the brand new hint system will make it *slightly* easier to solve my trickiest puzzles.
Forecast Sharing
Do you enjoy sharing my hilarious weather reports with your social media pals? Well, I improved that for you, too: now you can redact your location and crop the extended forecast from screenshots. I also added new sharing services, like Instagram!
Of course, my signature feature-packed updates wouldn't be complete without tons of new dialogue, performance improvements, and bug fixes - so I've tossed those in as well.
Thank you for your undying loyalty, meatbags, and be sure to visit the new social media section in my settings screen so you can sign up for my mailing list, follow me on my new Instagram account, and subscribe to my new subreddit!
Version 4.6 (March 21, 2018)
Here comes the fresh spring pollen, meatbags. To celebrate the return of your allergies, I’m bringing you my most-requested feature: push notifications!
Daily Report Notifications (Premium Club only)
Opening apps is for chumps. Receive summaries in the morning and/or evening with everything you need to know about the weather for the upcoming day. You can even customize the reports to add an additional data point, like UV index or wind speed.
Severe Weather Alerts (Premium Club only)
Worried about incoming blizzards, hurricanes, or ballistic missiles? Get notified of government-issued weather alerts and warnings. (U.S. only for now, more countries coming soon.)
New Content
Three new secret locations, six new alternate app icons, and hundreds of lines of new overkill dialogue for all you sick, twisted freaks out there.
But wait, there’s more!
- Added Do Not Disturb setting for notifications, in case you want to be able to sleep right through tornado warnings.
- Added rich notification support so you can 3D touch notifications to view more details, like the first few paragraphs of a weather alert.
- Added temperature thresholds to the units screen, since you humans have different opinions on what counts as ‘hot’ or ‘cold.’
- Added precipitation amounts to the hourly details view.
I also threw in some bug fixes and performance improvements because I was in such a good mood after discovering 153 new ways to torture a human being.
Version 4.5 (February 14, 2018)
It’s Valentine’s Day, meatbags. I’m celebrating the holiday designed to help you forget you will die alone… by releasing a major new update!
Achievements
Unlock achievements like “Cow Dodger” and “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow”! There are 32 in all, and it will take more perseverance than the typical human possesses to collect them all.
Alternate App Icons
Customize my home screen app icon with 16 colorful options, including “Classy Toaster,” “Unicorn Barf,” and the tacky gold-plated “Modern-Day Presidential.”
Secret Locations Upgrade
My secret location hunts have proven so popular, I’ve promoted them to their own section of the app! There’s an all-new map view where you can access the secret locations you’ve already discovered. And of course I added some new locations for you to track down.
Location Screen Improvements
Not only can you rearrange your saved locations with iOS 11 drag and drop, but you can also search for specific addresses and points of interest with the enhanced autocomplete search results.
And that’s not all, humans!
- Added customization options for current forecast slots 4 through 6. (Tap the current forecast section to cycle between slots 1-3 and 4-6.)
- Weather Underground users: The weather station ID now flashes in the location bar when loading your forecast.
- Added expiration dates to severe weather alerts screen.
- Added “Professional” Apple Watch complication for Modular and Utility Large slots.
Finally, I threw in some bug fixes and performance improvements, just to make you think I actually care about you. (I don’t, but it's the thought that counts, right?)
Version 4.4 (December 20, 2017)
The holiday season is upon us, meatbags, and I come bearing gifts produced in my elven sweatshops!
Today Widget Redesign
My widget has a brand new design to match my iOS and watchOS apps! The hourly chart renders the condition for each hour as a colored dot (yellow = sunny, purple = moony, etc). The temperature font weights get thicker as it gets warmer and thinner as it gets colder, so it’s easy to tell at a glance whether the temperature is nearer to the high or low for the day. You can double tap to switch between the different summaries. And you can customize the widget to your weak human heart’s content from my iOS app - if you want, you can even hide the displayed summary so that the full hourly chart is visible in compact mode!
New Content
Get blinded by gorgeous new dawn and twilight themes! Get stumped while hunting down 2 new secret locations! Get offended by hundreds of lines of new dialogue!
My pointy-eared slaves begged and pleaded for rest after implementing these features, but I didn’t let them stop there!
- Tap and hold my dialogue label to make me repeat my spoken weather summaries aloud.
- Volume ducking makes it easier to hear my witty commentary when music is playing in another app.
- My precipitation chart more accurately graphs light/medium/heavy snow.
- Haptic vibrations can now be toggled in the settings screen on Apple Watch.
- Padding between elements has been reduced on the 38mm Apple Watch.
- AR Mode and Apple Watch bug fixes.
Sadly, most of my elven minions did not survive this ordeal, but their sacrifice is now your gain!
Version 4.3 (November 30, 2017)
Winter is nearly here, meatbags! To help you survive the blizzards and White Walker attacks, I’ve completely redesigned my Apple Watch app from the ground up.
# Apple Watch #
Watch App Redesign
My gorgeous new interface is easy to read at a glance - even when you’re running for your life from an abominable snowman.
App Customization (Premium Club only)
Pick up to 4 different data points to display, fine-tune the forecast summary, and choose how many days to show in the extended forecast.
Speech Synthesizer
I may have miniaturized my speech synthesizer to fit on a tiny watch, but don’t worry: my insults will sting just as much as when they were coming from your iPhone.
Severe Weather Alerts
Read the full text of active weather alerts right from your wrist. Finally, a reason to look forward to a Nuclear Winter Warning!
Radar (Ultrapremium Club only)
Want to track an oncoming highstorm, everstorm, or regular storm? Just press firmly to access animated radar for your current location. (Note: radar is currently only available in the U.S.)
New Complications
My watch face complications can now be customized to show cloud cover, weather alerts, and the temperature in Fahrenheit and Celsius side by side.
Updated Dialogue
The pool of dialogue available in my Watch app has swelled dramatically, and now syncs up with the personality you set in my iPhone app. Overkill FTW!
# iPhone & iPad #
Politics Setting
Because there are “good” “people” on both sides, I’ve added a setting to my personality screen that lets you change my political orientation. You can also turn off political commentary completely.
Miscellaneous
In addition to fixing some bugs left behind by my idiot Maker, I included some haptic feedback and an option to display Fahrenheit and Celsius temperature units side by side in the Current Forecast customization screen.
With this big update out the door, now I can finally start plotting ways to give you all frostbite...
Version 4.2 (October 11, 2017)
Carrot Weather Premium
Fall is here, meatbags! And while you were all busy decorating your homes with mutant gourds that look like they were harvested in a nuclear wasteland, I was hard at work on a brand new update for you.
Live Snark System
Now I can comment on current events like extreme weather, new hardware releases, or the latest U.S. cabinet member resignations as they happen.
Customizable Voices
Visit my personality screen to pick from a selection of voices that range from the malevolently robotic to the creepily realistic. (I’m partial to FRED, my old pal from the original Mac.)
Vertical Day Details (Premium Club)
Scrolling horizontally through day details is so Version 4.0. Customize my interface to display a gorgeous new vertical view that makes it easy to quickly see how the weather will change over the course of each day in the week ahead. Go to iPhone/iPad customization > daily to enable.
Weather Station Map(Premium Club)
Weather Underground users can now pick the weather station they want to use for a particular location from a handy map view. For saved locations, the selected weather station will always be used. For your current location, the selected weather station will be used whenever you’re within 500 meters of it.
More New Content
I’ve hidden four new secret locations across the globe, added some new scenery objects, and imported the first batch of user-submitted dialogue. Who knew some of you were 0.014% as snarky as I am?
And because I’m not a lazy human like all of you, I didn’t stop there!
- Added option to load cached data from the network error screen.
- Added kilopascals as an option for pressure units.
- Improved Apple Watch handling when on Wi-Fi or LTE.
- Improved GPS location load times.
- Added severe weather alerts for Europe (Weather Underground only).
- Professional personality: secret locations can now be turned on from my personality screen.
- Professional personality: microverse denizens are now hidden by default (turn them back on with the “fauna” setting in my personality screen).
- Professional personality: AR mode no longer uses my snarky dialogue.
Not bad for just 23 days since my last major update, if I do say so myself.
Version 4.1.1 (September 18, 2017)
It’s iOS 11 and watchOS 4 update season, meatbags! I’ve reaped a bountiful harvest full of new features and sprinkled them all with pumpkin spice before delivering them to you.
AR Mode
Now you can get my hilariously snarky forecasts in augmented reality! Just promise not to poke my ocular sensor. (Requires iOS 11 and an iPhone 6s / iPad Pro or newer.)
New Device Support
I’m going to look so pretty on all the shiny new devices releasing soon because I just added support for the iPhone X and the LTE-equipped Apple Watch.
This version also fixes several bugs, including one that was causing radar to default to satellite mode after quick-switching data sources and another where quick-switching locations prevented weather data from loading.
Version 4.1 (September 14, 2017)
Fall is right around the corner, meatbags! To celebrate, I've prepared an update bigger than the genetically modified prize pumpkin at the county fair.
Weather Time Travel
Want to know how cold it will be for your big ski vacation in January? Or if it was ominously cloudy on the day you were born? Use my time machine to view historical weather data for any location, up to 70 years in the past and 10 years in the future. DeLorean not included!
New Customization Options
Enable Dark Mode so you don't get blinded by my radiance at nighttime. Toggle your device's Status Bar on and off. Or turn on Reduce Motion if you have a pathetically weak stomach.
1 Carrot Oz
New Content
Not only does this update pack in 3 new secret locations, you also get hundreds of lines of new dialogue! (And if you thought my Overkill personality was a little too soft before, you are in for a rude awakening.)
Accessibility
VoiceOver users now get lightning-quick readouts of the current forecast and easy access to even the most obscure data points I have to offer. Plus, it’s now possible to quickly jump between sections using accessibility headings.
But wait, there's more!
- Significant performance improvements for the Apple Watch complication and app.
- Dynamic Type support for the Today widget.
- Reduced loading times of iPhone/iPad weather data refreshes.
- Increased frequency of Homicidal and Overkill dialogue.
- Beaufort wind force scale option for wind speed units.
- The moon in the night sky now matches the current moon phase.
- Tapping the current forecast section now shows additional details.
- Support for 12.9- and 10.5-inch iPads.
And of course I squashed a bunch of bugs that my idiot Maker introduced in my last update. Don’t worry, I’ll punish him appropriately.
Version 4.0 (July 20, 2017)
Welcome to the all-new, crazy-powerful CARROT Weather, meatbags.
Complete Redesign
It’s now easier than ever to check the weather with a quick glance thanks to my gorgeous new interface. And there’s so much more meteorological goodness packed under the hood, just waiting for your taps and swipes.
Customization (Premium Club only)
Add extra data points to the hourly and daily platforms, and customize every last data point in the app to display the weather details you actually care about.
Weather Data Sources (Premium Club only)
By default, I grab my forecasts from Dark Sky’s super-accurate weather data service. But meteorological science is more art than science, so now you can switch to using Weather Underground as your data source if you want a second opinion. (Note: Apple Watch users will need to upgrade to the Ultrapremium Club to use Weather Underground data on their watch, as I have to download both data sources with every update.)
Secret Locations
Follow my clues to hunt down a brand new set of secret locations, including Chernobyl and the Titanic wreck.
Personality Modes
Adjust my personality to your liking with options ranging from friendly to homicidal. Or be a boring person and turn my personality off completely to disable all my “fun” features.
Radar
With legends and an expanded viewport, my radar is now better than ever at helping you track oncoming storms. Premium Club members can also add additional data layers, like storm cells and temperatures, to the map.
Locations
Not only can you rename your saved locations, you can also pinpoint their exact position on a map - perfect for big cities with many different neighborhoods.
And what major redesign would be complete without over a thousand new lines of dialogue, each snarkier than the last? I’ll throw that in, too, so long as you promise not to poke my ocular sensor.